I have found that when someone says can I be honest with you, it is not their true intent. These words can be very powerful with their intended delivery. It can mean that you think the person has a trust forming with you or that you are a privileged person to be able to get a bit of information from another.
When we are getting to know someone, we all crave a level of bonding and in our minds we associate honesty as a connection on a deeper level with someone. However, we have to be careful with what emotions we associate with that question “can I be honest?”.
Now when you hear those words you have to ask yourself why is this person asking for permission to be honest with you? If their intention was to be truly honest wouldn’t they just come right out and say exactly what is on their minds rather than asking for permission.
Words can be very seductive and when used properly it can lead someone into believing that they are about to be privileged with some deep inner thoughts of another person which again evokes emotions in another. Secrets are seductive as well as language and nuances are all powerful tools that are used to seduce another into feeling that they are going to gain some deep knowledge of another which plays right within a person’s psyche.
If someone truly wants to be honest with you, they would never pose the question, the person would just come right out and say exactly what they are thinking. To use the question “can I be honest with you?” implies a level of vulnerability that is to be forthcoming however I have found the opposite to be true. Again, this is my opinion.
When these words were said to me, I was expecting an expression of something that would not be easy to hear however it was followed by a thought that could have easily been expressed within the conversation without the nuance of “if I do not get this off my chest it will really bother me as I am not being honest to you or myself”.
This phrase denotes some belief that you will get clarity on a situation however usually it means that the person will be superficial with you. By nature, people are not so forthright in their conversations at the beginning of getting to know someone because there is fear associated with honesty. To be honest is to be vulnerable because you risk the judgement of another person. Therefore, the next time you hear the phrase “can I be honest with you?” be cautious and think of the real meaning. Also be cognizant of the emotions you place on that question.
Joanne Robinson
