In the time that I have spent alone I have come to terms that I have tempered my emotions where I did not allow myself to feel as deeply as I did when I was younger. Through all my experiences I have learned that in order to protect myself I must lock down my emotions and never show my vulnerability so that I could not be hurt.
With shutting down my emotions I felt like I was in total control of my environment. As a young child I was passed around to other people that either took care of me or others that abused me. As a child I could not control the events or things that happened to me which in turn hurt me deeply. Hurt in such a way that I had no confidence in adults or anyone responsible for me, therefore it resulted in my turning off my emotions.
At the age that I am now I’ve realized that this is what I have done and I have not allowed myself to feel deep emotions because I was maintaining that guard of protection. My children have helped me open my heart to others and also they’ve helped me learn what giving unconditional love felt like. However I did not know how to receive it back in return from other people other than my children.
Due to the transient nature of my life and series of events I tried hard not to get too close to other people outside my internal or immediate surrounding family and long-time friends. I thought in doing this I was protecting myself because I had learned at a young age that people who were important has the greatest ability to hurt you. However as I have grown up I realize that hurt people hurt people and most of the time it is not intentional. When these individuals do not know how to heal in them the things that are broken then they will inevitably inflict that pain onto others.
Throughout my life I tried really hard to not live my life in the same manner that I had experienced growing up, many times just doing the opposite of what I knew or had experienced so I could learn what worked for me or what didn’t. This has been a lifelong lesson and one that I am continuously learning and with knowledge of my limitations I am consciously aware of how I am feeling. I am also learning that it is alright to open up to others who have shown that they will be there with a listening ear. The great thing about life is that you always have a choice to continue to do what didn’t work or try a different approach to see if that makes you happier.
Joanne Robinson
